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"Life gets Tee-jus, don't it?"
  -Carson Robison (and the Oxydol Pioneers) c. 1947


The sun comes up and the sun goes down,
hands on the clock they just keep going around.
I just get up and its time to lay down,
Life gets tee-jus don't it?

The tin roof leaks and the chimney leans,
and there's a hole in the seat of my old blue jeans,
and I've eaten the last of them pork 'n' beans,
You just can't depend on nothin'.

My shoes untied but I don't care,
'cause I ain't figuring on going nowhere;
I'd just have to wash and comb my hair,
and that's just wasted effort.

The water in the well its getting lower and lower;
can't take a bath for six month's or more,
but I've heard it said and its true, I'm sure,
that too much bathing'll weaken you.

I open the door and the flies swarm in,
shut the door and I'm sweating again,
move too fast and I crack my shin;
Just one darn thing after another.

There's a mouse been chewing at the pantry door;
He's been at it at least a month or more;
when he gets through he sure going to be sore-
'Cause there ain't a darn thing in there.

Old brown mule, he must be sick;
I jabbed him in the rump with a pin on a stick.
He humped his back but he wouldn't kick;
there's something cockeyed somewhere.

The cows gone dry and the hens won't lay,
fish quit biting last Saturday,
troubles pile up day by day;
and now I'm getting dandruff.

The old dog's howling all forlorn;
Laziest dog that ever was born.
He's howling 'cause he's sitting on a thorn,
And just too tired to move over.

Grief and misery, pains and woes,
debts and taxes and so it goes;
now I think I'm getting' a cold in the nose.
Life gets tasteless, don't it?

THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
     O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
     Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody
       listens.
     Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
     Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
     Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person
       who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
     Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
     Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
     Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find
       it hitched to everything else in the universe.
     Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity.
       Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
     Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your
       birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
     Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately
       explained by stupidity.
     Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's
       biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work,
       it's physics.
     Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what
       you're talking about.
     Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than
       permission.
     First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians
       merely repeat each other.
     Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
     Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and
       opposite criticism.

Visit Our Fabulous New 
Poster Shop

Kangaroo Alert! The following item comes from Australia's Defense
Science and Technology Organization and wire reports:

"The reuse of object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for
Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger
roles in helicopter training, programmers have gone to great lengths
to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed
landscapes and--in one case--herds of kangaroos (since disturbed
animals might give away a helicopter's position).

"The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's Land
Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to
model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters.
Being efficient programmers, the programmers simply reappropriated
some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under
the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo,
and increased the figures' speed of movement.

"Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American
pilots, hotshot Australian pilots buzzed the virtual kangaroos in low
flight. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting
Americans nodded appreciatively--then did a double-take as the
kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of
Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Apparently, the programmers
had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.

"Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have
strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to."

"SMOKING KILLS, AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY
IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE."
- Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields

"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO
PRESERVE DISORDER"
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL"
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS"
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO"
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT
MAKE THEM UNSAFE"
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET"
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS"
- Andrew Mathis

"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK"
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET
I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD
CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE"
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY
TAKE THEM OFF."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged
the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS.
WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents

"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT
RESULTS."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE"
- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A
JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
- A congressional candidate in Texas

"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO
REAL MONEY."
- Everett Dirksen

"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM
THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND,
AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
- John Wayne

"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE
IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE
PUBLIC MIND."
- General William Westmoreland

"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS
BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
- Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle, at a fundraising event
for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote
the line "a mind is terrible thing to waste"

"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL
BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Cookies???

with contiguous seams and a 4mm thick enclosed air space filled withstandard atmospheric constituents.

I just saw a phantastic show called "The Creation of the Universe"
on PBS... what's troubling is that as soon as it was over, the
announcer said: "Another 'Disaster' episode, next."

Co-inky-dink? Or WHAT!?

Never invoke the name of the gods
unless you really want them to appear.
It annoys them very much.
-G.K. Chesterton

All hail Pastor Marv Wolfman for more church bulletin bloopers:

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice...

GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better...

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community...

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy...

The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why...

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday...

Today's Sermon: "How Much Can a Man Drink?" with hymns from a full choir...

Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"... 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones... The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.... Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

And now for something altogether diffrint:

"Never give up. And never under any circumstances, face the facts." - Ruth Gordon

"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." - WC

"Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide." - Woodrow Wilson

"What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like
this?"
-gunslinger Gene Wilder
to sheriff Cleavon Little
in "Blazing Saddles"

"Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's _bugger all_ down here on Earth!"

-Eric Idle "The Galaxy Song"

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
--W.C. Fields

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply

Sir, you are drunk.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Yes, madam, and you are ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober..
--His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

God invented whisky to keep the Irish from taking over the world.
--Jim Bishop

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history ofmankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just
like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just
do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

E=mc [squared] - formula for splitting the beer atom.
--Young Einstein (Yahoo Serious)

When I find myself in times of trouble
Kernigan and Ritchie come to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Code in C
Code in C, Code in C, Code in C, Code in C
Java's not the answer
Code in C

It's Great To Be A Guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained
weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on> every shot of someone crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you

go. 17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still
be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the
room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new
haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours
without
even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover
is
about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood
without  starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this
one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are
wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind yourback.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to
them.
79. ESPN's Sports Center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're
not in  the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a
hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with
them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
***** NOTES from Ellen Pallozzi (PALLOZZI @ MLTW) at 1/14/98

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the
Washington
 Post.  Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of
the
 Summer":

 1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the
Lawn
 Won

 2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

 3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

 4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

 5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

 6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
 I Just Can't Remember It All

 7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

 8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

 9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

 10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

 11) Senior Citizen:  Give Me My Damn Discount

 12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,
 Seeks Frog

 13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

 14)     (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
 If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

 15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

 16)    (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)
 My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

 17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

 18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

 19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a
Vegetarian

 20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party
 (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

 21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

 22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

 23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

 24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

 25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea.  It's the Law.

 26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

 27) Wanted:  Meaningful Overnight Relationship

 28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt

 29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

 30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

 31) In America, Anyone Can Be President.
 That's One of the Risks You Take.

 32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
"Cloguet hated reality but realized it was still the only place
to get a good steak."
-Woody Allen

Undocumented Units of Measuremink